We Asked A Trader Joe’s Employee What His Box Cutter Was For And Instantly Regretted It
Oh fuck. We’ve really messed up here. We could have just walked in, grabbed the speculoos beer, and walked out. But...
New Texas Abortion Law To Crack Down On Fetuses Who Eat Twin In Womb
Heeding their pro-life constituents’ calls to advocate for the protection of unborn children, Texas lawmakers announced the passage of a...
Breaking: PETA Acquired By Tyson Foods
In a bold PR move, major chicken distributor Tyson Foods has acquired the licensing rights to animal rights group PETA....
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Area Runner Debating Whether To Leave Shirt At Home Or Remove It At Start Of Run
Recent reports indicate that long distance runner and Long Beach, California resident Trey Daniels was contemplating whether he should leave his shirt at home or remove it mere moments after beginning his run. “I think I’ll leave it on today,...
5 Full Body Workouts You Can Do In The Comfort Of Your Own Mansion
They say 90% of success in life is just showing up. But these days, even leaving the house can be such a struggle! And when it comes to getting to the gym, the obstacles can really pile up. Does the...
Loser On Antidepressants Still Comes Too Fast
Area total fucking loser Ken Murphy recently baffled experts by regularly ejaculating in record short times despite taking daily prescribed SSRIs. Murphy, 27, initially asked his doctor about making the switch to Lexapro after he caught a commercial that revealed...
Tragic: The Man At The Bottom Of The Peloton Leaderboard Is Dressed As The Flash
This is just heartbreaking. The guy currently at the bottom of the leaderboard in this Peloton 40-minute Rock ‘n Roll Ride is dressed as The Flash. Yep. The Flash, the speedster from DC Comics. According to witnesses, the hopeless Peloton...
Peloton Releases New Pogo Stick
In-home fitness giant Peloton is set to release its new proprietary pogo stick next week. PR experts theorize that the introduction is part of a larger effort to distract consumers from controversies surrounding the company’s commercials and last month’s “Tread+”...
Woman Unsure If New Guy She’s Dating Is Sleeping In His Jeep The Fun Way Or The Sad Way
Area woman Carissa Heenan has reportedly been unable to tell if the new guy she’s been dating for the past three weeks is sleeping in his Jeep the fun, adventurous way or in a sad way due to unforeseen situations...
7 Workout Shirts That’ll Make People Think ‘This Guy’s Got Some Nips’
Some biologists believe men’s nipples could get smaller over time with evolution. Not yours. You’ve got nips for weeks, and it’s time for them to shine. Are you looking for one of those workout shirts so thin and stretchy it...
8 Goats Who Are Probably Better At Yoga Than You
Tired of those damn goats showing off every week at goat yoga? So are we. Session after session, they’re the ones who get all the attention. But you have to admit, by this point, they’ve gotten pretty good. Here are...