NUTRITION

Reduced Guilt Cookies Still Have Most Of The Guilt

Nutrition scientists at Cornell University have released a report suggesting that most brands of “reduced guilt” cookies still retain a vast majority of the guilt.

“Our evidence shows that although these cookies are labeled as ‘reduced guilt,’ eating the whole box will result in a debilitating, crippling burden of shame that will make you really wish you didn’t just do that,” said Cornell nutritionist Jared Freedland. “Even eating only half the box has the potential to evoke some strong feelings of regret.”

The nutritionists found similar results when examining cookies labeled “guilt free,” calling it a complete impossibility that the eater won’t feel even a smidge of remorse after ingesting nine dense circles of butter, sugar, and chocolate.

“Although the nutrition facts don’t contain a single gram of guilt, trust me, it’s in there,” confirmed cookie consumer Kent Johnson, holding an empty bag of double chocolate chunk and wearing a rueful expression. 

The reports showed that while guilt can be reduced by 10-15% in rare cases when eating only three or four cookies, stuffing your face with them like a furry blue monster will only culminate in lying on the bed and clutching your stomach, wishing to go back to when you hadn’t engulfed a week’s supply of snickerdoodles like Kirby.

At press time, nutritionists were adding that large quantities of reduced sodium soy sauce will still leave the consumer with an unquenchable thirst.

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