Rural Starbucks’ Switch To Paper Straws Rejuvenates Sea Turtle Population Of Altoona, Pennsylvania

Coffee drinkers in Altoona, Pennsylvania have confirmed that their local Starbucks has made the switch to paper straws, a huge win for the sea turtle population of Altoona.

“Our recent switch to paper straws is part of our effort to be more environmentally conscious,” said Dave Catena, manager of the rural Starbucks. “Plastic straws are extremely harmful towards sea turtles, and I would hate for us to be contributing to the extinction of those beautiful, Altoona-native creatures.”

“I support Starbucks’s decision because I want to save the turtles,” said Altoona resident Diana Marcus, who lives in a town that doesn’t even have a single turtle. “I’m gonna try to decrease my overall plastic use because Altoona’s local sea turtles are already an endangered species.”

While the change will surely help Altoona’s sea turtles, Starbucks management hopes to be a trailblazer for cafés all over the nation, so that the sea turtles of other states can be saved too.

“We’re starting small, but maybe they’ll notice us over in Pittsburgh and then make their own transition to paper,” continued Catena. “That way, they can save the turtle population of Pittsburgh.”

At press time, new reports showed that ever since the Starbucks switched to paper straws, zero sea turtles had died in Altoona from plastic-based causes.

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