HEALTH

New Study Finds Majority Of Americans Wipe With 20-Dollar Bills Instead Of 50s

A shocking new report following the 2020 United States Census reveals that a majority of Americans have resorted to using 20-dollar bills to wipe their ass instead of 50s.

“But 50-dollar bills just feel so much better,” said Manhattan resident Jane Duncan upon hearing the results. “20s are just so weak, they practically dissolve in your hand. It’s like wiping with tissue paper.”

Some Americans agreed that Ulysses S. Grant feels much better between their cheeks than Andrew Jackson, but they just can’t afford to flush their 50-dollar bills down the toilet.

“It’s no secret that 50s offer a superior feel, but times are tough,” said Connecticut-based real estate agent Michael Kendrick. “I’ve mostly been using thin 20s for the past year, but sometimes I’ll press two of them together to make it $40-ply.”

“I always make sure I’m at home when I need to go because I just can’t stand the feel of 20s — or even those thin 10s — from public restrooms,” said 50-user Steven Cooper. “Or, if I’m out, I always make sure my wallet is absolutely stuffed with money I can flush down the toilet.”

1% of the country was appalled to discover that some people only wipe with 1-ply 20s.

At press time, the United States was alarmed to realize that there are poor Americans who wipe using something called toilet paper.

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