Area Man Puts It Into Overdrive When Rest Of Table Says They’re Ready To Order

Witnesses at Vitello’s Italian Bistro have reported that, when the rest of his dining group announced to the waiter they were ready to order, area man Burt Lee was forced to shift his menu-browsing into high gear so as not to be left in the dust.

Sources confirm that the waiter’s question, “Are we ready to order?” caught Lee completely by surprise. 

“Shit,” muttered Lee under his breath, looking around like a deer in the headlights as his friends looked around and nodded to indicate they had reached a consensus. “I haven’t even opened my menu yet.”

As his friends handed over their menus to the waiter, Lee reportedly put the pedal to the metal and frantically thumbed his way through his — widening his eyes to full capacity so as to take in all the options at once and rapidly come to a decision. 

“Usually, I like to take my time perusing the menu and carefully evaluate each of the courses a restaurant has to offer,” said Lee, while skipping ahead to the pasta dishes and landing his finger on the first one that mentioned the word beef. “But there’s no way I’m about to be a pussy in front of the whole restaurant by asking the waiter for ‘five more minutes.’”

“I’ll have the penne,” blurted out Lee when the waiter approached him, despite not having seen a penne option listed and entirely grasping at straws.

At press time, as the waiter was collecting the last of the menus, Lee realized that the “Penne Me Kota” he had just ordered contains Gorgonzola cheese, which he hates.

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