HEALTH

COVID-19 Forces Area Bully To Switch To Cyber-Bullying

Reports are confirming that the continued closure of West Mason Middle School in Hoboken, New Jersey has caused area bully Tim Dawson to transition to cyber-bullying.

“This semester, I will be bullying all of my victims using health-informed methods,” said the 5th grader. “Due to an abundance of caution, I’ll be trading in swirlies and ass-kickings for death threats and prank calls.”

Parents and teachers have praised Dawson’s commitment to keeping his community safe from the virus.

“While there would be no bullies in an ideal world, we appreciate Tim’s enthusiasm to adapt to the new normal,” said assistant principal Geraldine May. “We have full confidence that when we do eventually reopen our school, Tim will wear a mask as he upturns his classmates’ lunch trays.”

According to the health-conscious middle schooler, technology such as social media platforms and video-conferencing software makes causing lifelong insecurities from home easier than ever before.

Instead of going through all the trouble of stealing lunch money, the creative Dawson can now tell his classmates to go kill themselves from the comfort of his own living room.

Tim’s parents have announced how proud they are that their son cares so much about the wellbeing of his school.

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