NEWS

Flutist Putting Together Instrument Like Marine Assembling Rifle

Witnesses confirm that area flutist John Delmar of the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra was assembling his silver instrument with the same intensity and focus of a marine assembling his firearm before entering combat.

Crew members have reported that Delmar was sliding the foot joint in the body in the same way that a war-weary special operations soldier might slide the magazine into the body of an M-16.

“Locked and loaded,” said Delmar, preparing to take to the stage with his platoon of musicians to perform Mozart’s Overture to The Marriage of Figaro.

Delmar blew into the instrument’s lip plate right after properly aligning all the keys, as if he were a fearless soldier cocking his sub-machine gun and then taking practice aim. He then put his cleaning cloth into his jacket pocket, as if he was equipping himself with frag grenades.

“Our lives depend on what’s about to happen,” Delmar told clarinet player Mary Frank, before getting onstage to face an audience of 544 classical music connoisseurs. “Whatever’s in our past has passed. If we don’t give it our all tonight, the consequences could be dire. Think about your family and all we’ve been fighting for. It all ends on that stage.”

At press times, the trombone players had their instruments resting on their shoulders and pointed forwards, like soldiers ready to fire RPGs into an enemy base.

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