Reports coming from New York City are claiming that Michael O’Dowd, despite trying to save them for throughout the day, has devoured all four of his snacks in under two minutes.
“I’m definitely gonna make these last for the entire day,” said O’Dowd, seconds before savagely devouring 900 calories of food in less than 120 seconds.
O’Dowd was even naïve enough to schedule four 10-minute snack breaks that he would take at his desk. Eyewitnesses have confirmed that O’Dowd stuffed his face with all four of his food items in under six minutes, before even reaching his office.
“This first snack has a lot of fiber, so it’ll keep me full all day,” said O’Dowd, who wouldn’t even stay full until 11 am after inhaling all four snacks. “The second one should hopefully tide me over until lunch.”
The pathetic lack of willpower comes only 12 hours after O’Dowd’s last binge, when he inhaled two pints of Ben & Jerry’s shortly after telling himself he wouldn’t eat anything after dinner.
“Oh well,” said O’Dowd, following his meal-sized snack. “There’s always tomorrow,” he continued, knowing the exact same thing would happen, if not even worse.
At press time, O’Dowd was counting down the minutes until his lunch break.