NEWS

Barilla Releases New Microwavable Pasta For People Who Don’t Know How To Boil Water

Shoppers everywhere are confirming that Barilla has announced new microwavable pasta for pathetically incompetent people who never learned how to boil water.

“We’re pleased to announce our new Ready Pasta, a pre-cooked meal that you just shove in the microwave for 60 seconds,” said Barilla CEO Claudio Colzani about the product, perfect for idiots without the most basic possible kitchen skill. “Now you can have pasta ready in only a minute instead of eight or nine minutes.”

According to Barilla promotional materials, the days of guessing how much water or salt to use are in the past.

“Barilla’s new Ready Pasta has made dinner so much easier,” said Sandy Harper, a woman lacking the cognitive function it takes to boil a simple pot of water. “I just get home from work, and, 60 seconds later, dinner’s ready!”

The new type of pasta has received overwhelmingly positive reviews, largely from individuals who enjoy pasta but were dropped on their heads as infants and therefore lack the skills it takes to boil water.

“My kids love it,” said Dennis Harvey, a man unable to take a pot out of the cupboard, fill it with a little water, and then put it on the stove. “I always used to mess up pasta, but that’ll never happen again now that I can just put it in the microwave.”

A new study shows that 95% of Ready Pasta consumers eat it straight out of the bag instead of having the common decency to pour it into a bowl.

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