HEALTH

Department Of Health Releases Heart Surgery Groupon

New reports show that the United States Department of Health has released a Groupon that can grant lucky sufferers of cardiovascular disease up to 15% off select heart surgeries.

“We’re pleased to announce that our new Groupon can offer ailing users as much as 15% off of coronary artery bypass grafting, heart valve repair, aortic valve surgery, and more,” said Department of Health spokesperson Walter Meyer. “This new discount is projected to save hundreds of lives, since more people will be able to afford surgery that they otherwise couldn’t live without.”

While the discount applies to almost all surgeries that repair congenital defects, it only covers certain procedures that correct ailments that surfaced later in life. New information shows that the Groupon also doesn’t cover any emergency procedures, such as those made necessary by acute myocardial infarctions. 

“Thanks to Groupon, I was able to repair the atrioventricular septal defect that’s plagued me my whole life,” said bargain hunter Janet May. “I’d never thought the life-saving surgery was worth it for the price, but I just couldn’t say no to a 15% discount.”

“Now that I have Groupon, I’m canceling my health insurance,” said Donald Jensen, who has suffered from severe cardiovascular conditions his whole life. “A whole 15% off? It almost makes me want to get coronary artery disease right now so I can get my money’s worth!”

At press time, the Department of Health was offering buy-one-get-one-free chemotherapy.

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