FITNESS

Ha! You’re Running Faster Than The Woman On The Treadmill Next To You

Look at you go. It’s been almost 10 minutes, and you’re doing an amazing job — so much better than that slow bitch next to you.

Ha! She calls that running? Look at her. Huffing and puffing. She’s running like she’s never run in her entire life. You are doing so much better than she is. She’s nothing compared to you.

She’s almost an entire 1.5 miles per hour below you. And she’s been running for less time too. She’s so much worse at this than you are. You are absolutely destroying her. You’re crushing this workout, but, most importantly, you’re crushing her.

Yeah, that’s right. Put your speed up a little and maybe you can make her feel even worse about how slow she’s going. You could basically walk at the speed she’s going. You will have burned so many more calories than her by the end of this workout.

You’re probably better than her at other aspects of life too. Your career, your relationship, your diet. It’s all so much better than this slow, slow woman. Just look at how slow she’s going.

This is a pathetic showing from her. Does she call this a workout? Compared to you, it’s a leisurely walk.

Alright, she’s cranking up her speed a little, so now’s your time to shine. Just go up a few more miles per hour and show her what a real sprinter looks like. Yeah. That’s it — keep her behind you where she belongs.

Oh my God. She’s leaving — leaving! After only 11 minutes. Wow. You totally left her in the dust. She shouldn’t have chosen the treadmill next to you if she didn’t want to run with the big dogs. You’re an Olympian. You’re the Michael Jordan of jogging.

Ha. Watch her walk back to that locker room in the shame she deserves. Hide your smile. And now try and find something else to motivate you.

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