NEWS

Jesus Reaches 2,180,000,000 Followers

Sources confirm that the Only Begotten Son, Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, surpassed 2.18 billion followers in the past week — making him the greatest influencer of all time. 

Witnesses report that, in light of recent crises, the Holy Messiah has been more active than ever, which has caused the Word of God to trend like never before. 

“It warms my eternal heart to know that more and more sheep continue to find their flock, so to speak, and that thousands have been awakened to the glory of God,” said the Everlasting Father. “And for those of you who have not yet been moved by the power of faith, we can only pray that you will one day click ‘subscribe.’” 

However, the news of the Prince of Peace’s recent media success was reportedly not well received by all. 

“It’s kind of frustrating to see all these bandwagon Christians emerge from the woodwork only now when Jesus is at his most popular,” said long-time follower Luke McCavery. “Where were these so-called disciples when we needed them most — in the 60s, for example? It’s a real kick in the teeth to those of us who have been believers all along. 

“Damn,” commented Satan, Prince of Darkness, whose follower count reportedly lags that of Christ’s by millions. “I really thought my like-for-like campaign was going to be more successful.” 

At press time, Louis Vuitton and Versace were reportedly attempting to strike a deal with the King of Kings for him to feature their brands.

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