NUTRITION

‘Muscle Milk Is All-Natural,’ Reports Head Chemist At Muscle Milk Experimental Food Engineering Laboratory

In a recent press conference this past Thursday, Heinz Muller, the head chemist of Muscle Milk’s experimental food engineering laboratory, claimed that Muscle Milk is an all-natural food.

“Muscle Milk is an organic beverage containing only ingredients that you probably already have in your pantry,” stated Muller, who works at a lab where only 4% of products are legal for human consumption. “Every single one of the ingredients we use is easily pronounceable.”

Muller recently led an initiative to get Muscle Milk an “organic” certification, but the FDA denied the request and threatened for the company to be immediately terminated if it told such a blatant lie on its label.

The chemist also tried to market the product as “sustainable” and “GMO-free” but was later informed that he could actually be arrested for marketing his product so falsely.

“Our product has no artificial ingredients,” insisted Muller, who spent the past month brewing Muscle Milk’s latest concoction, featuring traces of three ingredients that are illegal in the United States.

Company plans show that Muller will spend the next month working on a project codenamed “Operation X” in which his team of chemists will be required to wear hazmat suits while working all day and night at the chemical vats.

At press time, a new report proved that 98% of animal test subjects died after consuming Muscle Milk’s latest product.

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