HEALTH

Responsible Pledge Master Forces Pledges To Vomit At Least 6 Feet Away From One Another

New information coming from anonymous pledges of the Alpha Delta fraternity at Indiana University has revealed that the fraternity pledge committee is following COVID-19 guidelines and torturing underclassmen from a responsible six feet away.

“I really appreciate how much our pledge master looks out for our health,” said an anonymous member of the Fall 2020 pledge class. “Whenever we’re being forced to drink entire liters of vodka, he always makes sure we don’t have to share bottles.”

Other pledges have confirmed that when vomiting, pledges are required to step at least six feet away from all brotherhood members so that no COVID-19 particles are transmitted. Despite replacing it with a ritual arguably more brutal, Alpha Delta is receiving praise from the IFC for scrapping the part of pledge term where the pledges have to drink each other’s vomit.

“I was really worried about having a health-informed pledge term, but we’re required to wear masks as we’re branded,” said another pledge. “And if any of us are experiencing symptoms, we have to drink our live goldfish in a completely separate room from other members of our pledge class.”

The responsible fraternity even made sure to purchase an extra long paddle so that sophomores can injure freshmen from a safe six feet away.

“I’m glad to be joining a brotherhood that truly cares about my wellbeing,” continued the pledge, just after being forced to eat an entire box of laxatives while wearing nothing but a diaper.

At press time, pledges were seen sanitizing all the equipment that would be used to pour boiling water all over their backs.

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