NUTRITION

The Updated South Beach Diet

While the popular South Beach Diet was definitely on the right track, cutting carbohydrates is an unrealistic and unpleasant goal. Unfortunately, the scientists behind the infamous diet left out the one element that would capture the true spirit of South Beach while also helping dieters decrease that number on the scale.

And that secret element is nothing other than sand. Sand is a fat-free, carb-free, and sodium-free food. The new South Beach Diet, during which dieters eat nothing but sand, takes all the tedious guesswork out of dieting. How many calories does this have? Does this have saturated fat? Is this fried? How many carbs are in this? All these questions are a thing of the past because the only thing you’ll ever need to worry about eating is delicious, nutritious sand.

Not only is sand tasty, but it’s also a sustainable resource that’s great for the earth. The planet has such an abundance of sand that you won’t even have to worry about your carbon footprint. As it can be found in extreme quantities in every ocean or beach, it’s cheap too!

Sand can be cooked in hundreds of different ways, and since there’s so much of it, you can have second, third, or fourth helpings! Steam it, sauté it, or mix it with water — the possibilities are endless!

Initial trials have been conducted, and 100% of participants who only ate sand for an entire month have shaved off impressive amounts of weight.

“I’ve reached my goal weight!” said trial participant Sandra Michaels, who later spent nine hours vomiting and adding that she’s never felt worse in her entire life.

Other participants report having lost as much as 20 or 30 pounds, despite also experiencing seizures, severe tooth decay, respiratory system shutdowns, choking, and, in rare cases, comas.

According to family members, some dieters even looked dangerously emaciated after only eating sand for upwards of only three months. Wow! Those are some amazing results.

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