Whole Foods Shopper Can’t Wait To Chow Down On Some Keto Granola, Cocaine

Witnesses confirm that area Whole Foods shopper Jenna Abrams is excited to get back home and open her bag of ketogenic granola, in addition to a dime bag of cocaine.

“This granola is my absolute favorite,” said the 45-year-old Abrams, a housewife from Scarsdale, New York who loves a good line of blow just as much as she loves ketogenic foods. “It’s practically addictive.”

“I only eat the healthiest brands of granola because I don’t like when supposedly nutritious snacks are packed with sugar and other harmful additives,” said Abrams, ready to experience the biggest high of her life from some mysterious substance she bought off the neighborhood dealer.

“I could eat the whole bag in one sitting,” she continued, similar to that one time when she railed a whole bag of powder in one sitting.

Other shoppers in the Westchester Whole Foods confirmed that Abrams seemed extremely excited to get home to something, more excited than someone could ever be for a simple bag of low-carb granola.

“She cut me in line,” said shopper Margaret Turk. “She seemed like she was in some sort of rush,” continued Turk, unaware that Abrams was about to get one hell of a rush from the $50-worth of snow she was about to indulge in.

“Come on, come on,” said Abrams, visibly shaking in anticipation as the cashier bagged her groceries. Reports show that most of Abrams’ groceries were for her two nine-year-old kids, whom Abrams gives credit for inspiring her coke habit in the first place.

“I’m on the ketogenic diet because I care about my body,” she said, her septum visibly deteriorated.

At press time, other shoppers were almost as excited to eat their GMO-free parmesan crisps as they were to fall into a blissful sleep after taking a benzo with two glasses of wine.

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