NUTRITION

A Win For Vegans: McDonald’s Is Making All Customers Personally Slaughter The Cows That Will End Up In Their Burgers

A recent announcement has revealed that McDonald’s will now force every one of its customers to personally slay the benevolent creature that will end up in their hamburgers. Good on you, McDonald’s!

If they want to eat a delicious Big Mac, every customer will now be required to come directly to the factory farm, where they will have the opportunity to meet and then terminate the miserable cattle. From there, they will then have to skin the cow and throw its carcass into a giant vat, where thousands of different animals are ground into individual burgers. Woah, cool!

Further marketing materials have shown that to slaughter the friendly beasts, good ol’ Ronald McDonald will only provide his loyal customers with a Swiss Army knife. This way, customers will really get to see the pain and terror in the beautiful heifer’s eyes as it suffers a slow, senseless, death. If that’s not a win for animal lovers, what is?

While there has been substantial outrage at the new regulations — with burger lovers demanding a shotgun, or at least a machete, to kill the cow — everyone’s favorite progressive fast food restaurant has held firm. In fact, Mickey-D’s even added that every ten customers will only be given a transparent garbage bag to kill the animal, having to watch it suffocate and beg for one final breath right before you slather its remains in special sauce. What a big step forward!

We’ll bet PETA is glad about this one!

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