HEALTH

COVID-19 Vaccine Trials Halted After Scientists Agree It Really Gonna Hurt

Top scientists at pharmaceutical companies currently developing the vaccine for the novel coronavirus have halted all trials after concluding that the vaccine is really gonna hurt.

“After a few rounds of clinical trials, our subjects have all reported that the vaccine really stings,” said Moderna CEO Stéphane Bancel. “We’re committed to putting an end to the pandemic, but we’re sending our researchers back to the drawing board to create a solution that doesn’t involve a scary needle.”

Despite seeing extremely promising results in phase three of their trials, BioNTech has also halted its trials after subjects reported that the vaccine causes a stabbing-like sensation in everyone to whom it is administered.

While preliminary trials have shown a 98% rate in preventing the coronavirus, they show a 100% rate in causing a boo-boo.

“Ouch,” said every single trial subject, suddenly realizing that a return to normalcy was not worth the few seconds of intense pain that they were experiencing.

“I signed up to be a trial subject because I’m passionate about putting an end to the virus as soon as possible,” said Pfizer subject Reginald Farrow. “That was before I knew how bad it would sting.”

Both the FDA and Anthony Fauci have agreed that although vaccine trials were promising, they should immediately be terminated because the injection hurts almost as much as the influenza vaccine.

“It’s not great news,” said Fauci. “The shot hurts like a bitch.”

At press time, vaccine trial subjects were claiming that maybe the trial would have been worth it if they had received fun band-aids with either Looney Tunes or Spongebob characters on them.

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