WANDERLUST

‘I Have Horrible Flight Anxiety,’ Reports Man Who Just Wants Xanax

Reports have shown that, despite claiming he would use it to combat his debilitating flight anxiety, area man Walter Simons just wants to get high out of his mind on Xanax.

“Every time I so much as go near an airplane, I have a full panic attack,” explained the shameless Simons to his psychiatrist, despite being a calm and experienced flyer. “I’ve tried everything except prescription drugs, and I just feel as if I’m out of options.”

“I want to visit my family across the country, but the flights are just unbearable. I spend the entire four hours clutching the armrest in terror,” said Simons, thirsting for the drug he planned on abusing every night in order to enter a state of euphoric bliss. “And every time there’s turbulence, I’m just utterly convinced something unthinkable is about to happen.”

Simons even pushed his ruse even farther, pretending to be apprehensive when the doctor suggested that he try a benzodiazepine.

“A benzo? Like Xanax? You really think that would work?” he asked, while internally celebrating that he would soon be able to mix the depressant with a few glasses of wine and have the best night of his life. “If you really think that would work, doctor, I guess I’m willing to try it.”

At press time, Simons was asking for a few more doses to be added to his prescription, claiming to have a lot of upcoming international travel for his job.

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