New reports show that the Make-A-Wish Foundation has found itself in a precarious financial situation after agreeing to buy an eleven-year-old cancer patient anything he could fit into a Target shopping cart in a six-minute period.
James Rubin, the eleven-year-old in question, managed to gather more video game consoles, Nerf guns, GoPro cameras, board games, and bags of candy than the Make-A-Wish Foundation ever could have imagined.
Witnesses claim that James was pushing along an entire caravan of shopping carts, frantically grabbing every single item in sight regardless of what it was.
“We never dreamed that James would be able to get his slimy little hands on so many expensive items in such a short period of time,” stated Make-A-Wish spokesperson Michael Stacey. “We thought he’d just grab a few action figures, and maybe a couple basketballs, but the little shit really just went for it.”
Because the Make-A-Wish Foundation couldn’t bring itself to go back on the promise it had made to pay for everything the unfortunate child could gather in 360 seconds, it had no choice but to file for bankruptcy.
“It’s with a heavy heart that I announce that the Make-A-Wish foundation will no longer be operational,” said CEO David Williams. “Although I like to think we’ve greatly improved the experiences of children with terminal conditions in the past 40 years, I really wish we didn’t help that last little brat.”
At press time, Rubin was last seen with a look of satisfaction on his face, as he ate candy bars among his kingdom of 16 Xbox consoles, four printers, six 50-inch televisions, and, for some reason, three industrial paper shredders.