WELLNESS

Man Getting Early Night’s Sleep Forgets To Factor In Debilitating Insomnia

Witnesses have confirmed that area man Daniel Markley is excited to get to bed at 10 pm and start a healthier sleep schedule, completely forgetting that his debilitating insomnia will keep him up until four in the morning.

“I’m finally getting to bed before midnight,” said Markley, idiotically failing to account for his inability to fall asleep, which will leave him staring at the ceiling until the early hours of the morning. “I’m going to feel so refreshed before work tomorrow.”

“Maybe I won’t even need to drink coffee,” Markley added, unaware that he would have four cups of coffee and a caffeine pill before the end of the day.

While earlier reports showed that Markley was exhausted before climbing into bed, sources later confirmed that, as soon as his head hit the pillow, he was more awake than he’d ever been in his entire life. Markley’s hopes of getting a full eight hours were exchanged for shifting positions upwards of 50 times, regretting important life decisions, smashing his head into his pillow in frustration, and getting out of bed to urinate.

Despite his hopes of resetting his sleep schedule, the sleepless Markley ended up taking an Ambien at four in the morning, causing him to sleep through most of the workday and wake up in the afternoon.

At press time, Markley was sobbing into his pillow.

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