HEALTH

Nation’s Dads Need To Go On Diet

Spouses, siblings, and children everywhere agree that it’s about time for the nation’s fathers to go on a diet.

“Dad’s gotta lose a few,” area 16-year-old Julie Weiss told her mother in confidence. “I’m worried about him.”

Other family members around the nation have chosen a more direct tactic, opting to inform their fathers face-to-face that they should probably be watching their weight.

“You’re getting fat, Dad,” Kai Spellman told his food-loving father. “You need to lay off all the beer.”

Despite these confrontations coming from a place of genuine concern, 90% of dads who receive them eat even more out of spite.

“All he ever does is eat,” Grace Dunham confided in her two children. “He just comes home from work, scarfs down dinner, and then inhales donuts and Coke until he falls asleep.”

The Jennings family of Milaukee, Wisconsin even scheduled an intervention with their pudgy father figure, suggesting proven methods like counting calories, intermittent fasting, and cutting refined sugars. The meeting was unsuccessful, resulting in father Samuel Jennings gaining a net three pounds that week.

Some fathers listened to the advice of their families, agreeing to commit to a healthier lifestyle. Despite their intentions, most of these overweight men are highly misinformed about healthy eating, doing things like considering apple pie as a viable way to get a serving of fruit.

At press time, the vast majority of the nation’s fathers were making a beeline for the fridge immediately after returning from work.

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