NUTRITION

Vegan Egg Lacks Satisfaction Of Knowing Breakfast Came From Chicken’s Butthole

While holding that it is a healthy and sustainable choice, dietitians everywhere have announced that the biggest pitfall of the JUST Egg egg substitute is that it has not emerged from the butthole of a chicken.

“It definitely tastes like real scrambled eggs,” said dietitian Ray Dunham. “But it just lacks the joy I get when I think about how my breakfast is a byproduct of a living, breathing animal.”

Other product testers have identified the same phenomenon.

“It’s pretty good,” said JUST egg tester Martha Lee. “There’s just something missing about it, and I can’t quite place my finger on it.”

While testers like Lee have been unable to put their fingers on exactly what is missing, the FDA officials have recognized it as the carnal excitement and lust for something that came out of the same hole the chicken uses to shit.

“JUST Egg is made from mung bean,” said JUST Egg food scientist Clarence Hill, describing a type of food that has unfortunately not slid out of a hen’s ass.

“You know what would make this a lot better?” started Lee, probably about to suggest something mundane like salt, even though she was really craving the knowledge that her egg was once warm and slime covered after the clucking, moaning hen pushed it out.

At press time, product testers were claiming that the Impossible Burger tastes exactly like real meat but lacks the satisfaction of a cow being tortured from birth, pumped with hormones, and then brutally slayed.

Related posts

Joyless Nutritionists Recommend Cutting Refined Sugars

The Whole Wheat Post

5 Post-Workout Smoothies You Could’ve Just Made Without Exercising

The Whole Wheat Post

Food Desert? This Woman Went To Three Different Stores To Find Oat Milk