NUTRITION

Joyless Nutritionists Recommend Cutting Refined Sugars

In a statement that not a single person was glad to hear, the nation’s joyless nutritionists have recommended cutting refined sugars.

“It’s our strong recommendation to avoid all refined sugars,” said nutritionist Grayson Barry, who clearly does not understand the joy of tucking into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. “Consider eating natural sugars, like those found in bananas or kiwis.”

According to the soul-sucking health experts, refined sugars can lead to obesity, diabetes, and heart disease.

“On average, people who cut refined sugars develop much fewer health complications,” continued Barry, a man who has likely never done anything fun in his entire life. “It’s important to steer clear of all candy, baked goods, and other harmful sources.”

The FDA has recommended that everyone should replace dessert with fruit or nuts, a substitution that makes life not worth living.

Barry’s recommendation was praised worldwide by nutritionists who have no idea what they’re missing.

“Refined sugar is one of the top factors that lead to early death,” said Rebecca Marlin, evidently not understanding that the family-size bag of sour patch watermelons is worth early death.At press time, the miserable dieticians were suggesting that people eat celery.

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