NEWS

Nation’s Cider Mills Kick Off Annual Act Of Pretending Apples The Best Fucking Shit Known To Man

Brushing off their scarecrows and nailing up their “pick-your-own-fruit here” signs in preparation for autumn, the nation’s cider mills are reported to have officially started their yearly venture of convincing the American populous apples are the best goddamn-fucking thing on the planet.

“Yep, we’ve got it all, folks: apple cider, apple juice, apple pie, apple tarts, apple bakes, apple donuts, not to mention dozens of different varieties of the apples themselves,” said apple orchard owner Buckfield Davis, as if the only thing the average person gives a flying shit about on this earth is apples.

“Heck, we’ve even got apple launchers, apple rides, and don’t forget about pin the stem on the apple,” added the apple enthusiast, just on the off chance his aforementioned range of apple wares wasn’t sufficient in fulfilling all of his customers’ frickin’ apple needs.

“Apples are fine. They’re not my favorite fruit, but I’ll eat them occasionally,” said area woman Ginger Parker as she paid $100 for her entire family to spend the next eight hours at the local apple orchard, occupying themselves with nothing but apples — as they do every year.

“In fact, I’m not really sure what I’m gonna to do with all these apples when we get home. They kind of upset my stomach,” said Harris. “But if we’re gonna spend all this time and money picking them, we may as well eat them.”

At press time, the nation’s apple orchards were seen planting even more apple trees, acting like apples are the hottest goddamn-fucking shit you’ve ever seen.

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