As President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden prepare to square off in the next presidential debate, self-loathing people all across the country are reportedly tuning in for what is bound to be another 90 minutes of sheer torture.
Based on the last debate, political pundits have predicted that this debate will be a national disgrace of epic proportions, consisting of an hour and a half of personal attacks, nonstop interruptions, insults, and low blows — the likes of which no one in their right mind would ever choose to watch unless they straight up hated themself.
“Seeing as how most Americans have already known for the past four years who they were going to vote for in 2020, it’s unclear why people continue to watch the debates,” said CNN news anchor Anderson Cooper. “The only possible reason for anyone to keep subjecting themself to such punishment would be if they get off on being treated like shit.”
“I saw the last debate, and it was a dumpster fire wrapped in a train wreck taking a bloodbath,” said Democratic voter Felicia Robertson, who sources confirm is inexplicably still planning on watching the upcoming debate.
“I guess, on the bright side, the next time Trump and Biden meet it can’t possibly get any worse,” said Republican voter John Richard, who witnesses claim must be suffering from a warped sense of self worth if his knee-jerk reaction to watching another second of a debate is anything other than yelling “please just make it stop.”
At press time, the nation’s voyeurs were settling into their sofas and armchairs to sit back and watch as their country went up in flames.