NUTRITION

Our 9 Favorite Foods That Will Lead To Early Death

1. Spam

Is there anything better than coming home from a long day of work and cracking open a nice can of Spam? Is there anything more nostalgic than eating a Spam and cheese sandwich just like the ones grandma used to make? Spam is our absolute favorite meat; versatile and flavor-packed, the possibilities are endless. Spam will almost certainly lead to early death. People who consistently eat Spam have a highly increased chance of developing cardiac disease, cancer, and countless other ailments that will cause your heart to stop.

2. Honey Smacks Cereal

There’s no better breakfast than a big bowl of Honey Smacks swimming in whole milk. Who can walk through the cereal aisle and resist Dig’em Frog on that iconic red box? As sweet as real honey, these wheat puffs are some of the best Kellogg’s has ever produced. It is also very likely that Honey Smacks will lead to Type 2 Diabetes and then death.

3. Lunchables Ham + American Cracker Stackers

We know these are marketed towards kids, but some days, we eat three whole boxes for lunch. God, they are good. Good doesn’t even come close — Lunchables Ham + American Cracker Stackers are a revelation. You get a whole cookie and a Capri Sun plus lunch? Why ever eat anything else ever again? Lunchables Ham + American Cracker Stackers contain chemicals that will lead to numerous diseases capable of prematurely ending a human’s life. Parents who feed them to their children should prepare for their child’s early death.

4. Arby’s Triple Beef ‘n Cheddar

There’s truly nothing like tucking into an Arby’s Triple Beef ‘n Cheddar. Anyone who has never experienced an Arby’s Triple Beef ‘n Cheddar can never understand the raw, ecstatic bloodlust that will overtake you when indulging in the world’s greatest sandwich. If we could only eat one thing for lunch for the rest of our lives, it would be this. Arby’s Triple Beef ‘n Cheddar can and probably will lead to high cholesterol, high blood pressure, obesity, and death.

 5. Hostess Cherry Pie

We would rather spot one of these in the vending machine than win the lottery. This boxed, hand-held pastry is the only way to bring a classic American Cherry Pie on-the-go. If we were stranded on a desert island and could choose between water or Hostess Cherry Pies, we would choose Hostess Cherry pies every single time. Hostess Cherry Pie will cause countless cancers that rapidly lead to death.

6. Betty Crocker Whipped Buttercream Frosting

Who can resist digging a spoon into one of these tubs and finishing it within minutes? We sure know we can’t. When you can eat a whole container of dense, creamy Betty Crocker Whipped Buttercream Frosting, you don’t even need a cake. Next time you’re craving some pudding or a pint of ice cream, opt for mouthful after mouthful of delicious butter and sugar. Betty Crocker Whipped Buttercream Frosting contains hydrogenated oils, one of the few ingredients that all nutritionists agree is not even acceptable in moderation. Consumption will lead to clogged arteries and then a pulmonary embolism.

7. Flamin’ Hot Funyuns

Ever wish you could take onion rings with you in a packaged, dehydrated form? Well now you can, and it’s the best thing we’ve ever tasted. The original flavor is an A+, but the Flamin’ Hot version surpasses any earthly grading system. These are so good that we’ve started replacing meals with bag after bag of Flamin’ Hot Funyuns. Flamin’ Hot Funyuns will lead to early death even more quickly than most other snacks or processed foods.

8. Wendy’s Pretzel Pub Chicken Sandwich

The name of this one alone doesn’t do it any justice, so we’ve pulled its description from the Wendy’s website: “A juicy, lightly breaded chicken breast, warm beer cheese sauce, Applewood smoked bacon, smoky honey mustard, crispy fried onions, pickles, and a slice of muenster cheese all on an extra soft pretzel bun.” Wow. If you’re a human being with a stomach, your mouth is currently watering. No other pretzel sandwich currently in existence can even hold a candle to this. The sandwich alone is almost 50% of an adult male’s recommended daily calorie intake, and consuming it even one time can lead to obesity. The Wendy’s Pretzel Pub Chicken Sandwich is a one-way ticket to heart disease, diabetes, and worse. Not to mention, the ethics of this thing are absolutely appalling.

 9. Big & Bold Chicken Bacon Ranch Hot Pocket

While these Big & Bold Chicken Bacon Ranch Hot Pocket are 50% larger than regular Hot Pockets, that still doesn’t keep us from eating the whole box! These things have a cheddar ranch seasoning blasted crust that’ll make you want to microwave all of them at once. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, or snack time, the only thing better than a Hot Pocket is a bigger Hot Pocket. Consumption of Big & Bold Chicken Bacon Ranch Hot Pockets will lead to obesity, which can cause complications such as stroke, sleep apnea, cancer, lung disease, blood clots, and more. Eat at the risk of dying much earlier than you otherwise would have.

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