FITNESS

Thank God: The Turkey Trot Is Cancelled This Year

Finally — something to be thankful for. The goddamn Turkey Trot has been cancelled this year.

Woohoo! Thank. Fucking. God.

COVID-19 hasn’t been good for much, but if it can stop Aunt Jessie from waking us all at 6 am to run 3.1 grueling miles, maybe it isn’t so awful after all. Maybe it could even stick around until Thanksgiving 2021. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about cousin Michael’s asthma for a second year in a row.

This will be the greatest Thanksgiving of any of our lives because it will be the only Thanksgiving when we don’t have to see mom wear that stupid embarrassing turkey hat as she waddles through her 5K in 55 minutes.

Now we won’t have to spend the rest of the day absolutely exhausted because some sadistic idiot decided that the last Thursday in November is the perfect day to get off our fat asses and trudge 5,000 pointless meters up a hill at the community college.

How are we supposed to give thanks when we’re completely winded after mile one, freezing our faces off, and dying of humiliation that grandpa is dressed as a pilgrim? Well guess what — now we don’t have to!

Let’s not even think about the possibility that Aunt Jessie might suggest some dumb shit like a virtual 5K or something like that. Let’s just enjoy the moment and celebrate that the stupidest hour of the year has been cancelled.

Well, this really is the silver lining. It still feels too good to be true. Yes — YES. Fuck yes! COVID, maybe you’re not so bad after all.

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