As a practicing Catholic, I am a tireless advocate for traditional family values and firmly believe that a woman’s place is in the home. Well, all women except for me, that is — my place is obviously lifetime tenure on the highest court in the country.
As evidenced by the Bible, God clearly intended for a woman’s primary role to be that of a wife and mother. Not this woman, though. As evidenced by my confirmation hearing last night, my own exceptional role is that of cementing the Supreme Court’s 6–3 right-wing majority for the decades to come.
In other words, yes, women should take on a secondary position to their husband and stay at home to cook, clean, and care for their families. They should be devoted homemakers, certainly. But also, no, this rule does not apply to certain female Supreme Court justices because from this moment on, until I die, I get to call the shots for all the other women in the United States of America. And my choices just happen to automatically become the law of the land.
You see, this is simply how society was meant to be. If you’re a woman, you ought to serve your country by staying in your lane as a doting domestic partner to your spouse. And, if you’re me, well, then you know that I really ought to stay a justice at the highest level of the U.S. judicial branch for the rest of my life.
It goes without saying that I stand for liberty, justice, and equality for all. However, it also goes without saying that women should take the liberty of remaining in their God-given place in the home, and that I, Associate Justice Amy Coney Barrett, will be deciding what’s equal around here from now on.