NEWS

Mandatory Evacuation Ordered After President’s Tweet Storm Reaches Category 5

During the peak of what has been described as one of the “worst hurricane seasons to date,” a mandatory evacuation order has been issued for states all across the US following a Category 5 tweet storm that was unleashed from the White House this morning. 

The tweet storm, which meteorologists are calling “Hurricane Donald,” first appeared on the radar late last night as a Category 3 storm brewing in the White House bathroom. However, it was quickly updated to a Category 5 hurricane and is now set to bring low blows and damaging words to all 50 states.

The storm is reportedly moving at 280 characters per hour, with maximum sustained gusts of 460 characters per hour and the potential to dump up to 15 inches of lies and misinformation in some locations. 

In anticipation of the deluge, federal officials are warning residents to “update your passports now” and “get out before Hurricane Donald gets any worse.”

“If you’re unable to leave, avoid the dangerous floods of insults by seeking moral high ground immediately,” said National Guard Officer Alicia May. “Don’t get swept up in the presidential downpour.”

According to Washington officials, Republicans in the House and the Senate held emergency meetings in an attempt to do damage control from the tweet storm. However, they voted not to provide any relief measures from Hurricane Donald. 

At press time, the Category 5 tweet storm was headed straight for Mar-a-Lago.

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