WELLNESS

This Refreshing Hangover Cure Won’t Change The Fact That You Fucked Your Wife’s Sister Last Night

Did you have a rough morning? Don’t fear! This restorative hangover cure will get rid of your headache, even though it can’t stop your wife from filing for divorce papers because you fucked her sister last night.

The ingredients are simple! Here’s our breakdown of how each one will contribute to a wonder-cure smoothie that’ll bring you back to normal in no time:

Refreshing Hangover Cure

-1 cup of Greek yogurt to bring back digestive balance, despite your constant urge to throw up because you love your wife deeply but will never be able to get past this unthinkable mistake

-1 tablespoon of coconut oil to restore cognitive function, even though your brain was clearly beyond repair in the first place if you moronically decided to go fuck up your 16-year marriage, your wife’s relationship with her sister, and her sister’s relationship with your entire family

-1 cup coconut water for electrolytes, although you probably shouldn’t be caring about fucking electrolytes and should instead focus on how you’ve essentially destroyed your own life, your wife’s life, your wife’s sister’s life, and your kids’ life

-1/2 banana, which has a phallic resemblance that will remind you of the incident all over again, causing its crushing weight to come crashing down on your weak, traitorous shoulders

-1/2 cup frozen blueberries for their powerful antioxidants, as if they’ll be able to repair the lifelong damage caused by 127 seconds of drunk sex

-1 teaspoon of honey, which will be the only sweet thing in your life as you navigate the bitter, lonely process of divorce

-2–3 ice cubes, though they’re nowhere nearly as cold as your heart

Yum! Make sure to bookmark this recipe for tomorrow morning, after you’ve spent the night blacking out and trying to forget how your wife’s sister was actually a lot better at sex than your poor wife.

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