FITNESS

God Fucking Damn It: Our Girlfriend Is Ahead Of Us On The Peloton Leaderboard

Oh my God, no, no, no, no, no, no. This cannot be happening right now.

Why did we ask our girlfriend to take this dumb class together? Yeah, we thought it might be nice, but we never expected something like this to happen. This can’t be real.

How are we possibly so far below her? We’re cycling this dumb bike as fast as we possibly can, and she’s still over 100 places ahead of us. This was a horrible idea.

For fuck’s sake, look at all those high-fives she’s receiving now. She’s never gonna let this go. Maybe if we catch up to her a little, she won’t say anything about it after class? God damn it, if we pedal this thing any harder, we’re gonna end up in the emergency room.

FUCK — the instructor just gave her a shout out. This can’t be happening. Please, let us wake up from this nightmare. How is her power output still so high? Maybe she hacked the system or something? No, that can’t be it, she’s way too dumb to figure that out. Maybe she got someone super fit to pedal for her?

She’s gonna be talking about this for the next year. Can we go back in time and punch ourselves in the face for ever having an idea this dumb?

Look, to be completely honest, we thought we’d end up about 25-50 places ahead of her, then she’d compliment us on how strong we are, then it would all be over with and we could go get some brunch or something. This was not how it was supposed to go.

That was brutal. If we don’t break up with her, remind us never to do that again.

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