According to veterans everywhere, the 10% military discount offered by department store chain JCPenney is unable to fully compensate for the debilitating post-traumatic stress disorder caused by witnessing the horrors of war.
“This Veteran’s Day, we’re pleased to announce that all former service members will enjoy a full 10% off any of our items,” announced JCPenney CEO Jill Soltau, as if $4 off a fitted sheet could make up for watching countless brothers-in-arms bleed to their deaths. “It’s the least we can do to show our gratitude.”
While the JCPenney marketing team has pointed out that the new promotion goes into effect right before the holidays, preliminary reports show that most veterans agree it doesn’t quite compensate for having nightly flashbacks of Vietnamese villages burning to the ground.
“The promotion is in effect until the end of November,” said JCPenney spokesperson Daniel Richter, unable to fork over even a whole month to individuals who wake up screaming as they remember their best friends getting blown to pieces. “For an even bigger discount, you can fight your way through the aisles this Black Friday!”
Promotional material shows that service members will receive an extra 5% off any item that features a camouflage pattern.