‘It’s Probably Time To Wash My Mask,’ Thinks Area Man 8 Months Into Pandemic

Sources familiar with the matter have confirmed that, eight months into the COVID-19 pandemic, area man Brent Green has finally figured it might be time to wash his reusable mask.

“Am I supposed to wash this thing?” asked Green, after wearing the mask every single day since March. “It doesn’t look dirty, but maybe I should throw it in the machine just in case?”

Family members have told sources that, despite Green spraying millions of particles onto the fabric with every single breath, this is the first time he has considered cleaning it in any way. Green himself has confirmed that the mask in question is the only one he owns.

Green purchased the mask in late March, after two straight weeks of wearing the same disposable mask every day.

“Maybe it can wait another week or so,” said Green, about the face covering that had collected two-thirds of a year’s worth of his spit and snot.

“Are masks even safe to put in the washing machine?” Green wondered, a thought that should have crossed his mind seven and a half months ago.

Analysts project that the mask will remain unwashed until the second year of the pandemic.

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