NEWS

Hero: This Man Brutally Murdered 8 People Who Fat-Shamed Lizzo

Grab a tissue, because here’s some news that’ll restore your faith in humanity! After hearing his favorite pop star being body-shamed, Chicago local Matthew Browne knew he had to take matters into his own hands. That’s why he slowly choked to death eight people he heard calling Lizzo fat!

If you thought superheroes didn’t exist in real life, think again. Matthew is proof that our cities are filled with benevolent individuals who are committed to keeping the streets clean of maniacs who have a problem with America’s most talented pop star.

With angelic vocal chords, prodigy-like flute talent, and a fierce, independent attitude, performer Melissa Viviane Jefferson is a body-positive sensation whose critics deserve to meet their maker in the most horrible way possible. Let’s all give a round of applause to Matthew Browne, who gave his Lizzo-hating victims slow, horrible deaths.

Until the US justice system can make it a law that anyone who calls the “Juice”-singer fat must sit on the electric chair, we’re going to have to rely on heroic vigilantes like Matthew.

Wow! Thinking about the agonizing, torturous final moments of these fat-shaming monsters sure is making us feel good as hell!

Matthew is currently under FBI investigation, but the Bureau will be sure to understand when they hear about the noble cause of his string of killings.

Good on your, Matthew! It’s time for bigots to change their attitudes about the beautiful, empowering woman responsible for bangers like “Truth Hurts” and “Cuz I Love You”… or they can face the consequences.

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