We all love green smoothies: they’re the perfect vehicle by which we can consume vegetables en masse without having to think about it for more than a split second. However, no matter how many green smoothies you drink, they’ll be rendered completely useless if they don’t make it past your two front teeth. Here are three ultra-healthy green smoothies that won’t matter if you drink them or not because they’ll never make it anyway near your stomach.
1. The Popeye
This smoothie is not for the faint of heart. Equivalent to six cans of spinach, this drink contains enough iron to transform your muscles into steel and will have you sailing the Seven Seas in search of swashbuckling shenanigans in no time. But actually it won’t because, just like a whale’s baleen, your teeth will filter all the nutrients out.
2. The Kale King
Everyone knows kale is the healthiest vegetable, which makes the Kale King the healthiest smoothie. But you won’t even be able to tell anyone else that because, as soon as you raise that glass to your lips, all the kale strands are going to wrap themselves around your lips so tight it’ll sew your mouth shut.
3. The Limenator
Unlike the Popeye and the Kale King, the Limenator actually has a chance of making it to your stomach and providing your organs with much-needed leafy-green fuel. But that’s only because it’s so acidic that it will slowly break down the enamel barrier blocking its way. Luckily, due to the drink’s unparalleled antioxidant boost, that’s a sacrifice we’re willing to make.