HEALTH

Literally How: This Random Bitch On Instagram Somehow Got The Vaccine Already

Wait, what? Are you kidding me? How the fuck did Sarah Duncan from our 11th grade Physics class get her hands on a vaccine?

Seriously, does anyone know? We’re just a little confused here. We’re pretty sure Sarah isn’t a healthcare worker. And judging by all the maskless photos she’s posted in the past few months, there’s no way she has any pre-existing conditions.

Wow, what an original photo — a selfie as she gets the needle jammed into her arm. We hope it hurt, Sarah.

In reality, though, we’re just jealous. Sarah, where the fuck did you get the vaccine, and how can we get one right now? We will pay you real money for information.

Oh my God, are you joking? Gracie Matthews got one too?! That’s just fucking ridiculous. There’s hardly 10 million people vaccinated in the entire country and she gets to be one of them?

Gracie lives with two of her former sorority sisters, she works at some dumb fashion company, and she’s perfectly healthy. She gets the vaccine before we do? Seriously, are they giving it to any random person on the street now? How about us?! We will take literally any vaccine, even if it’s expired. Honestly, even if it’s sewer water, just tell us it’s the COVID vaccine and we’ll believe you. We’re rolling up our sleeve, just stick the needle in!

She must have bribed someone. Or maybe her boyfriend’s a doctor? Or potentially she told them she has asthma? Either way, we’re enraged.

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