NEWS

Plant-Based Burgers Ready For Harvest

According to reports from the nation’s imitation beef orchards, thousands of plant-based burgers are finally ready to be picked from their trees.

“We’re gearing up for a great season,” said Shawn Merrick, who works on Impossible Burger Farms. “Many of the buns were still green just last week, but by yesterday most of them had already bloomed sesame seeds.”

The burgers, which grow intact with buns, tomato, lettuce, onions, and condiments, are in such high demand that over 200 new orchards have been planted this year on the West Coast.

Farmers from Beyond Burger Farms have reported that the ground beef bushes are also ready to have their fake meat collected.

“We’ve had great growing conditions this year,” said Bradley Dunham, a tractor operator at Beyond. “Last season, some chilly air caused our burgers to stop ripening when they were just medium rare!”

Many orchards will also be offering U-Pick burger picking, during which families can roam through the burger orchards and collect their own beef patty substitutes. Beyond Burger Farms has announced that it will be holding a harvest festival, complete with caramel Beyond meatballs and vegan meat-stuffed cider donuts.

Farms are already preparing for this fall, when the Chick’n tenders will be harvested from their stalks.

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