NEWS

Punxsutawney Phil Vows To Go On Diet After Glimpsing Monstrous Shadow

While Groundhog Day is usually when Punxsutawney Phil decides if there’s going to be an extra six weeks of winter, the only thing he’s decided today is that he needs to go on a serious diet.

“Oh, God, is that really what I look like?” thought Phil, upon emerging from his burrow and seeing his short, wide shadow. “I need to start cutting carbs.”

Witnesses confirm that the unshapely groundhog retreated back into his burrow in shame, indicating that there will be six more weeks of winter.

“Six more weeks of the cold and I need to cut out snails?” thought a despondent Phil, still scarred from glimpsing his unfortunate dimensions. “What could be worse?”

Although Groundhog Day is normally a joyous occasion for Phil, who has been the inspiration for an award-winning motion picture and subsequent Broadway musical adaptation, reports show that he spent the day in a depressive state, stress-eating insects.

“I can’t believe all those people saw me,” said Phil, whose hibernation body was broadcast on every major news station in the country. “I’ll get in shape for next year even if I have to try Keto.”

According to sources, the one silver lining of the incident is that Punxsutawney Phil’s new gym membership will likely mean a shorter winter in 2022.

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