HEALTH

Help: Does Anyone Know How We Can Lose 7 Pounds By Monday?

Hey, we’re kind of in a pinch here, and we were wondering if anyone has any miracle tips or tricks so that we can lose seven pounds by Monday.

We know it’s normally our job to provide these types of quick fixes, but we’re kind of blanking on this one. Seriously, does anyone know how we can shed seven pounds within the next few days? It’s urgent.

Look, we don’t want to go into too many details about why we desperately need to lose seven pounds, but the stakes couldn’t be higher.

We’re willing to try anything at this point: crash diets, diet pills, laxative teas, and extreme cardio routines. Bring it all on. If it comes to it, we’re willing to try all of these at once.

We’ve already stopped drinking water, so no need to suggest that. Hopefully we can completely dehydrate ourselves over the next few days and wring out every drop of moisture from our system. That’ll account for the first three pounds, and hopefully we can rely on our trusty ol’ South Beach diet for the remaining four. But if anyone has any surefire ways for us to be seven pounds less fat in the very near future, please let us know!

If we don’t get some good suggestions fast, we’re gonna have to start shaving off all our body hair. Every little bit of weight counts, right?

We don’t have much time, so please get back to us if you think of anything. If you need us, we’ll be doing a 45-minute treadmill sprint while wearing our favorite plastic sweat suit. Don’t worry, we won’t take any water breaks.

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