1. Peloton’s Openhearted Presence Guided Meditation
Peloton instructor Aditi Shah’s latest guided meditation will have you opening your heart while also wondering why you aren’t doing something actually productive. Drop all the stress of your daily routine, and instead waste your time by doing absolutely nothing. This 40-minute meditation offers so much room for reflection and asking yourself questions like, “What type of relationships do I really want in life?” And, “This is so ridiculous, why the hell am I listening to this woman speak?”
2. Learning To Love Your Life By Calm
With Calm’s newest meditation, learn to love your life while desperately trying not to question why you are sitting in the middle of the floor doing absolutely nothing. Listen to soothing sounds that will fail to distract you from thinking about how much work you have to do by Monday and you could be doing it right now. You’ll have the opportunity to think about important elements of your life, like whether this is actually working right now and it’s definitely not and you should just turn it off and go eat some ice cream because that will help more.
3. Gabby Bernstein’s Mindfulness In Daily Life
Gabby Bernstein’s 30-minute meditation is perfect for people with stressful daily routines. Bernstein is an expert at helping her students detach from their lives for about 30 seconds until they realize that they’re completely wasting their time. Close your eyes and stare into nothingness as you consider whether or not this extremely boring activity actually has a purpose. Bernstein’s section about opening your heart to the possibilities of life will allow you to reflect on whether you are truly happy and also why the fuck you are wasting your time with this bullshit. Wouldn’t it just be more productive to actually go fix the problems in your life instead of just closing your eyes and waiting for them to fix themselves? Bernstein’s meditation will help you answer all of these important questions as her voice drones on and convinces you that meditation is a huge scam.