6 Healthy Breakfasts That Will Suck All The Joy Out Of Your Morning

1. Plain Non-Fat Greek Yogurt With Half A Banana

Ugh. We’re all for being healthy, but at what cost? Half a banana? Half? A whole banana might’ve slightly redeemed this one, but half is just an insult. A banana is a fruit, and fruit is supposed to be healthy, right? So what gives? Anyway, we’re supposed to say that this one is a great source of protein, potassium, and all that. But it’s also a great source of misery.

2. Steel-Cut Oats Made With Hot Water

Oh Jesus. These aren’t even the good kind. You couldn’t have even thrown us a bone and given us rolled oats? Whatever. Steel-cut oats are a high protein grain, even though eating them will probably cause high emotional distress. They’re also a great source of carbohydrates, because who wouldn’t want to get their carbs from a tasteless pile of sharp grains instead of a nice bowl of Fruity Pebbles? And because these are made with water instead of anything that will make morning worth looking forward to, that will provide hydration, probably? What a great way to start the day.

3. Sugar-Free Shredded Wheat Cereal

Sugar-Free Shredded Wheat Cereal is a great source of whole wheat and also a great source of wishing you were dead. It’s the perfect way to start your day if you absolutely hate yourself and believe that all you deserve for one of your precious three meals of the day is essentially a bowl of hay. We used to look forward to our mornings.

4. Boiled Egg

Eggs are a great source of protein, Vitamin B2, selenium, and a bunch of other nutrients. They also raise HDL, the good cholesterol. Eggs can honestly be pretty great — if you scramble them or poach them or something. A boiled egg? Boiled? Maybe if you soft boil it and add some bread this one wouldn’t seem too torturous, but nope, we can’t even eat bread any more, can we? Just one serving of egg with a huge helping of sadness.

5. Cottage Cheese And Blueberries

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. No. No. No. Absolutely not. Please make it go away. Please bring back the Lucky Charms. We’ll do anything. Just make it stop.

6. Half A Grapefruit

Woohoo! We’ve hit the motherload! Can you believe it, this one actually has some color in it. And it’s a killer source of Vitamins A and C. But here’s the bottom line — it’s still only half the fucking fruit. Come on. If you eat this at 8, you will feel full until about 8:15. And how the hell are you supposed to eat this thing? With a god damn spoon? It looks pretty good, but eughthat’s what a grapefruit tastes like? Okay, we take back everything good we just said. Grapefruit is horrible and we want our mornings back.

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