FITNESS

Hail Satan! The Devil Just Announced He’s Turning Hell Into A Hot Yoga Studio

Yoga fans and Satan worshippers rejoice! The Prince of Darkness has recently announced that he’ll be converting the entire underworld into the world’s largest hot yoga studio.

While regular hot yoga studios only ever reach temperatures of a little over 100, Lucifer promises that participants in his new hot yoga classes will be able to enjoy Hell’s natural 10,000-degree climate.

The distant screams of the worst criminals in history will help you find your center and set your intention.

Are there any yoga classes that can compete with the breathtaking views of watching Jeffrey Epstein repeatedly get his testicles dipped into a vat of acid?

According to the Lord of the Flies, the fun new classes will also benefit the land of Hades! As you ground yourself into your root chakra, Satan’s minions will be collecting buckets of your sweat to feed to some of the underworld’s most notorious baddies, like Joseph Stalin and Pol Pot.

Make sure to stop by one of these classes soon because you might even see Hitler or Genghis Khan in a Downward Dog!

As you practice your Warrior II, you’ll be able to listen to the relaxing bubble of the lava pits and the soothing crackle of the walls of fire.

Our Glorious Leader has made it so we’ll never again be disappointed by low temperatures at hot yoga. In fact, you might even want to bring sunscreen!

In addition to the $66.60 per month subscription to his new studio, Satan will be charging an extra $5 for towels. Sounds like a fair price for the hottest yoga in town!

The Devil has assured patrons that he’ll also be offering saunas for post-class relaxation and recovery. Sounds like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to wrap a towel around your waist and enjoy the humidity with Andrew Jackson.

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