FEATURED NEWS

New Vegan Zoo Will Substitute Stuffed Animals For Live Wildlife

City officials have confirmed that a new vegan zoo in San Francisco will feature 100% plant-based wildlife.

The zoo, set to open by the end of October, will populate each exhibit with stuffed animals instead of real animals. The plush critters will be arranged in formations and positions that mimic how a real animal would behave.

“Our new zoo will feature the most lifelike animal simulation the world has ever seen,” said Blake Austin, CEO and founder of the vegan zoo. “We’re even hiring staff to come pretend to feed the stuffed animals so that guests can have the full zoo experience.”

Each exhibit will also feature recordings of animal sounds to make the zoo even more convincing. Zoologists are currently developing plant-based odor diffusions that will reflect the strong, musty smell of some of the exhibits.

“The marine exhibit will be held in our state-of-the-art theater,” continued Austin, referring to a giant movie screen onto which the zoo will project a fish tank. “Projection technology will also be used for the penguin, sea lion, and sting ray exhibits.”

“Finally, vegans will have a way to enjoy the zoo without dwelling on the ethics of such a place.”

At press time, the zoo was informing the city of San Francisco that it probably wouldn’t have to worry about any animals escaping.

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