Jogger Frozen To Sidewalk Worried This Gonna Ruin His Mile Time

After having declared that no blizzard was going to keep him from his morning run, area jogger Kurt Jansen reportedly froze to the sidewalk immediately upon setting foot outside — a setback that Jansen feared could pose a threat to his average mile time. 

According to witnesses, Jansen left his house at a speed that, had he been able to sustain it, would have resulted in an average mile time of five minutes over the course of his intended 10 mile run. However, the runner quickly lost speed as the soles of his shoes fused to the -20℉ ground.

“Shoot, this is totally going to ruin my workout,” said Jansen, as a layer of frost began to creep over his entire body and permeate deep into his organs. 

“If only I could move my arms, then I could at least keep my heart rate up,” added Jansen later, unaware that his heart was at a near standstill due to hypothermia. 

According to nearby sources, Jansen spent his last conscious moments before passing out from the cold on planning a new exercise regimen to make up for his recent lack of progress. 

“If I just run really fast once I thaw out,” said the frozen-solid Jansen, “maybe I’ll be able to sprint a three minute mile to push my average back down.”

At press time, Jansen was dismayed to realize that his limbs that had cracked off and fallen to the ground from frostbite would make it harder for him to lift next time he went to the gym.

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