WELLNESS

6 Last Resorts For A Good Night’s Sleep

Ever been lying awake at 4 am with the chances of falling asleep growing slimmer and slimmer by the minute? Have you tried everything, from counting sheep to CBD to melatonin? Are you all too familiar with that feeling when there’s only three more hours until your alarm rings and you have to get up for a long day at work? Well here are six last resorts that are surefire ways to get a good night’s sleep when all else fails.

1. Drink An Entire Bottle Of Vodka

While drinking only two or three shots of vodka might give you the energy you need to have a bangin’ night at the bar, downing the whole bottle will have you entering dream land in no time! Some users do report minor grogginess after drinking an entire bottle of vodka, but the more you drink, the better you sleep! And the more you sleep, the less groggy you’ll feel. So bottoms up!

2. Hit Yourself Over The Head With A Metal Baseball Bat

The key with this one is to make sure you hit yourself hard enough. If you don’t hit yourself hard enough, this one can tend to hurt; but if you do hit yourself hard enough, it’s absolutely painless! Some people prefer to have a loved one smash them over the head instead of doing it themselves, which is totally fine — as long as they bring down the bat hard enough on your skull, you’ll be in REM in no time.

3. Down The Entire Bottle Of NyQuil

NyQuil is a foolproof way to fall asleep, but sometimes it can take a little while to kick in. After taking one dose and then lying there for 15 minutes, you’ll start to wonder if this stuff really works. So, better not chance it, right? Might as well gulp down the whole thing and see what happens. 

4. Hold Your Breath For 120 Seconds And Then Hyperventilate

This one is not for the faint of heart. It can help if you’re in a squatting, bent over position so that your airways are also constricted. This is one of our most foolproof methods of falling “asleep,” but we also recommend having an EMS on hand, just in case.

5. Chug A Gallon Of Coffee

This method’s a little counter-intuitive. We know what you’re thinking: wouldn’t drinking coffee make you feel more awake? Well, yes and no. Drinking just one cup of coffee might give you a nice buzz of energy that’s helpful when starting a stressful day at work. But drinking a whole gallon? You’ll be out cold in under ten minutes! Your body can’t handle your heart beating that fast, so it’ll just shut down for a little while. Lucky for you, that means a great night of sleep.

6. Eat A Healthy Dose Of Rat Poison

It’s no secret that rat poison can kill rats within 24 hours. But humans are much bigger and stronger than rats! That means, if you eat enough rat poison fit for a rat king, you’ll just fall into a restful, euphoric slumber. One of the best things about rat poison is that you might already have some in your home, so you don’t even need to go to the store. Move over, melatonin!

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