Planet Fitness is famous for being a Judgement Free Zone, and we’re usually totally for it. But there have been at least seven isolated occasions at Planet Fitness when we’ve had to make an exception and judge. Please don’t take away our membership. Here are the seven times we’ve been forced to bite the bullet and scathingly judge the other gym-goers:
1. The Guy Chainsmoking Through His Entire Run
The most concerning part about this one is that he was actually doing it well. This guy ran at a consistent pace for 30 minutes and smoked half a pack of cigs, all without coughing even once. Isn’t that just totally contradictory? What was the logic here? If running is good for your cardiovascular health but smoking is bad for it, did this guy just have a net neutral change in cardiovascular health? Regardless, he was using the cupholder as an ashtray and filling the so-called No Judgment Zone with secondhand smoke, therefore making it essentially impossible for us not to strongly hate him.
2. That Man Who Ate Two Entire Boxes At Free Pizza Monday
It was hard enough for us not to judge when we saw a gym that regularly gives its members free pizza. But when we saw the guy who scarfed down two entire boxes and then waddled out the door carrying two more? It became impossible. In fact, we suspect he didn’t even work out and just came for the pizza. The only reason he pays his membership fees is probably just to get his entire money’s worth on the first Monday of every month, by inhaling ungodly amounts of free pizza.
3. The Couple Clipping Each Other’s Toenails After Every Set
It’s bad enough to be making out after every set, or meeting for a peck after every single rep. But this? This was unacceptable to the extent that we were reluctantly forced to exercise judgement. We know it’s against Planet Fitness’ one and only rule, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Get a room, or at least clean up those toenails.
4. The Senior Citizen Working Out Naked
We were proud of ourself for not judging when we saw that old guy walking around the locker room in his birthday suit. It became too much, though, when he neglected to put on clothes before his workout. Did he just arrive to the gym naked, or did he undress once he got here? Maybe he meant to put on clothes but forgot? Either way, we can never erase the image of his sagging nipples swaying from side to side as he struggled through bicep curls with five-pound dumbbells. Some of the stretches he was doing at the end will haunt us for the rest of our lives.
5. The Woman Who Inexplicably Brought Her Own Treadmill
We will never understand what was going through this woman’s mind when she lugged eight different treadmill pieces through the doors, then started assembling a new treadmill next to the other treadmills. Were the Planet Fitness treadmills not good enough, even though Planet Fitness itself was an adequate enough location? We’ll never know, but watching her take a full three hours to assemble the treadmill was completely infuriating. After her run, she took another 45 minutes to dissemble it and then another half hour to bring all eight pieces back outside.
6. The Group Of Teenagers Clearly On A Mushroom Trip
Look, there’s nothing wrong with a few magic mushrooms every now and then. But couldn’t they do this in one of their backyards? Even if they were worried about their parents catching them, why was Planet Fitness their next best option? Don’t any of them live by a forest or something? These guys posted up for seven full hours, wandering around the gym as they marveled at the iconic purple and yellow aesthetic. At one point, the Lunk Alarm went off and caused one of these idiots to scream in terror and then call the police. Talk about a workout killer.
7. The Woman Who Used A Weight Bench To Prepare And Then Eat A Three-Course Meal
We don’t know if this woman thought she was at a gym or a food court, but she unpacked a suitcase full of food onto a weight bench. She then started preparing three separate dishes, using deli meat, potato salad, cottage cheese, heads of cabbage, plain yogurt, canned sweetcorn, and some other items we were unable to identify. She proceeded to use the bench as a table, devouring the food with shocking speed before scurrying out of the gym and leaving her dishes behind.