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Here’s A Cookie Recipe, You Weak-Willed Bitch

Really? Cookies again? Well, here’s the recipe:

  1. Preheat your oven to 375°F. While you’re waiting for it to preheat, you might want to think about your lack of impulse control.
  2. Oh wow look, the sugar is already out from last night. Well, cream it with some butter.
  3. Beat in some vanilla extract and the eggs you could’ve used to make a healthy breakfast instead.
  4. Mix in the dry ingredients. Hopefully your arm is stronger than your willpower.
  5. Add whatever’s left of the chocolate chips.
  6. Fuck it, why not just eat some of the cookie dough too while you’re at it.
  7. Try and tear yourself away so you can put the dough in the oven for 8–12 minutes.
  8. Holy shit, you gotta stop watching them through the oven door.
  9. “I like them chewy” is just a pathetic way of saying “I can’t wait five more minutes.”
  10. We won’t even bother trying to tell you to let them cool.
  11. Why are you taking out a container? We both know these cookies will be gone in an hour.
  12. Repeat steps 1–11 until you tell yourself it was just a cheat day.

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