NEWS

CDC Requests St. Patrick’s Day Celebrators Risk Fatal Alcohol Poisoning In Safety Of Own Homes

In anticipation of the nation’s annual tradition of bar-hopping, partying, and copious intoxication on St. Patrick’s Day, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have released an advisory requesting that all Americans responsibly risk fatal alcohol consumption from the safety of their own homes. The advisory implores all potential party-goers to help curb the spread of COVID-19 by ensuring that any lethal overconsumption of alcoholic beverages happens in private.

“We recognize that dressing in green and drinking until comatose is a proud part of St. Patrick’s Day culture dating back decades,” stated public health officer Maria Luntz. Continued Luntz, “However, to protect our friends, family, and neighbors during this dangerous pandemic, we are asking people to put their community first by blacking out over their own toilet instead of a public one.”

The advisory includes several recommendations for capturing the spirit of the holiday while maintaining safe social distancing measures. Per the report, “While we know that many will miss frantically searching for an Uber to take their catatonic friend to the hospital for a stomach pumping, rest assured that plenty of meaningful memories can still be made watching your friend choke on their own vomit over Zoom.”

Although health experts remain optimistic that the announcement will limit transmission of COVID-19, others worry that current efforts are insufficient, insisting that the appeal of chugging pints until brain dead vanishes when not surrounded by decorative leprechauns on a moving parade float.

“St. Patrick’s Day is supposed to be all about togetherness, camaraderie, and living in the moment,” explained holiday enthusiast Geoff Menoir. “What’s the point in celebrating at all if my friends and I can’t trigger irreversible liver failure under a tavern pool table?”

Added Menoir, “It’d just be a sensitive tribute to Irish culture.”

In an effort to quell public outrage, CDC representatives announced that small groups of partiers could hit fatal BACs together if at least 75% were vaccinated.

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