NEWS

Chicago Once Again Under Fire For Dyeing River Green With Blood Of Thousands Of Leprechauns

The City of Chicago has once again come under fire from Leprechaun Rights activists, who claim that it is inhumane to use Leprechaun blood to dye the Chicago River green.

“Dyeing the river is a sacred Chicago tradition,” said Mayor Lori Lightfoot. “We can assure the public that, after rounding up the little fellas by luring them with tiny pots of gold, we kill them in the most humane way possible.”

Despite Lightfoot’s claim, recent investigations have uncovered thousands of cages used for breeding the little green creatures. Bombshell reports show that the ginger dwarves are only allotted one serving of Lucky Charms per day, with no access to rainbows of any type.

Advocacy group People for Leprechaun Liberation acknowledges that dyeing the river is a tradition that should be safeguarded, but the organization is putting pressure on city officials to use artificial dye.

“Artificially dyeing the river just wouldn’t be the same,” said Chicago resident Harry Fletcher, who spent this past Saturday posing for pictures in front of the flowing, pungent Leprechaun remains.

Fletcher is one of thousands of Chicagoans who showed a total disregard for Leprechaun life, drinking and partying as the river ran green with senseless slaughter.

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